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The Ballad of Bigfoot Busting Bill

We found this interesting piece of Sasquatch repelling history in our archives. It appears to be from the early 1940’s, but the paper was so faded, it’s hard to make out some of the details.  

          Once upon a time, there was a town called Boonieville. The town was peaceful and located in the middle of a forest in Ohio named the forest of Benny, although no one quite knew why it was called that. Some said it was named after an ancient knight who rode into the forest to save the nearby village of Ak-roone. However, not very many people believed that. Probably because knights existed before North America was discovered by Europe. Whatever the reason, the forest was called the forest of Benny, and had been for as long as anyone could remember, and no one really felt like going through the trouble of changing it, so the name remained.

            The name of the town, however, was much easier to explain; it was situated, by definition, in the middle of the boonies. With nothing but forest surrounding the town for at least a mile in all directions, the community of Boonieville were really like one big family. The town had a Church, a Gas station, a small Grocery store, and a park in the center. Everyone who didn’t work at one of those businesses were lumberjacks. Thanks to the town being in the middle of a forest, the production of lumber was the main source of income for most of the town.

            One family in particular, the Busch family, loved where they lived. The parents, Jerry and Rose, loved how beautiful the place was, and their three children loved climbing trees, and the oldest, Kyler, even built a kind of an obstacle course in the forest. His sisters, Mandy and Josie, were working on building a play house to play house in.

Every morning Jerry got up to work at the lumber mill and Rose stayed home and homeschooled the children. One morning, Jerry woke up earlier than usual and proceeded to get ready for work. As he was making himself a sandwich to eat for lunch at work, he thought he heard a muffled crash. He tensed, listening for a minute. Then, deciding he had been imagining things, he finished making his sandwich and left for work.

An hour later, Rose woke up and started waking up her children to eat breakfast and get ready to do their schoolwork, when she thought she saw a flash of brown in the otherwise green foliage. She stopped and looked closer, but, seeing nothing, continued shaking Kyler, who hated getting up in the morning. 

That afternoon, after they had finished the days’ schoolwork, the Busch kids went out to play in the forest, the girls heading to work on their playhouse and Kyler to practice on his obstacle course. Little did they know that this would be the day that would change their lives forever…

When Kyler arrived at the clearing where his obstacle course began he froze. The platform where the course began had a massive hole in the middle and various other parts were snapped or bent. quickly, he put his fingers in his mouth and whistled three short, loud, piercing blasts and began to run towards the Busch house. That whistle was a predetermined signal in their family to drop what you are doing and get home as soon as possible.

 Because the obstacle course was farther away than the playhouse, the girls met him at the door to the house. They went inside and sat at their spots at the table, where Jerry and Rose were sitting, reading the newspaper together. Quickly, Kyler explained what had happened, and then he explained what had happened again because he said it too fast the first time and no one could understand him. After he finished, Jerry and Rose told about what they had seen that morning. After some discussion, they decided to stay up that night to see if they could identify the creature that had apparently been roaming the area.

That night, they all stayed up to watch for the creature. Just when they were about to give up and go to bed and try to track it in the morning, they saw it; at least seven and half feet tall and covered in brown hair, walking across the clearing that served as their backyard. It was a Bigfoot!

As soon as the first light of dawn broke over the tree line, Jerry got into the family pickup truck and drove an hour to Ak-roone to find an old friend who was rumored to be a Bigfoot hunter. Three hours later, he pulled back into the town of Boonieville and a minivan pulled in behind him with a license plate that read “Sasquatch Away! One spray, He’s away!” a man got out, whom Jerry introduced as “Bigfoot Busting Bill”. He began pulling out aerosol cans of what looked like spray paint that also read  “Sasquatch Away! One spray, He’s away!” within the hour he had sprayed a perimeter around the whole town with Sasquatch Away! Sasquatch repellent. He told the Busch family that he had Inherited the company from his grandfather, and that it had been started in the early sixteen hundreds after the Wampanoag Indians gave the original formula to the pilgrims. Since then, the formula had been updated and is continuing to be perfected to this day.

After that day, the citizens of Boonieville continually applied Sasquatch away! Around their homes and to this day have not seen a single Bigfoot. 

And they all lived  happily ever after


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